


Stars

by fuckingallagherss



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Ian, M/M, Multi, Other, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-13 18:47:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9136894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuckingallagherss/pseuds/fuckingallagherss
Summary: Set after season 4 of Shameless U.SIan is showing the early signs of bipolar disorder. Both Mickey and Lip try finding ways to help Ian.





	1. Black Hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Hole (noun): A region of spacetime exhibiting such strong gravitational effects that nothing can escape from inside it.

         His hands were made of gold. The way they felt had to mean they were made of fuckin gold because there was no way anything could make Mickey feel so good. Even the most platonic of touches made Mickey’s skin feel warm, almost like he was beginning to get sick. His touches were bittersweet, leaving Mickey constantly begging for more - though Mickey would never let Ian know he yearned for the slightest touch. Ian knew, and Mickey knew Ian knew but there was no way in hell Mickey would say that out loud in actual words.

         But today Ian’s hands were merely made of copper because Mickey couldn’t feel any warmth every time he tried to touch him and it almost felt like he was trying to caress the fuckin’ statue of liberty or some shit. Ian’s entire body lost its spark – or, at least, that’s how Ian felt; like every electric wave in his body had been drowned in water, leaving him burned and useless. So, instead of moving around, he laid there useless in Mickey fuckin’ Milkovich’s dirty ass bed waiting to feel tangible again.

         “Hey, fuckface, get the fuck up,” Mickey demanded after he finished putting on clothes and noticed Ian’s neglect for getting ready to do whatever the fuck it is they did every day.

         Ian didn’t reply but tightly closed his eyes and hoped Mickey would go away. He didn’t, of course, and soon after a few more pleas to “get your ass out of my motherfuckin’ bed firecrotch,” Ian felt the bed sink behind him and breath on his neck. Mickey didn’t say anything at first, just gently touched Ian’s arm, but it was almost as if Mickey wasn’t even there. Like Mickey’s fingers were figments of his imagination and his hot breath on Ian’s neck was actually just sweat from this goddamn cotton blanket wrapped around his entire body.

         “Dude... what’s wrong?” Mickey asked. He didn’t sound scared or angry, just curious. Ian felt like moving his mouth, even just a little bit, would take all the energy out of him. But, he knew he had to say something just to ease Mickey’s worry.

         “I think I took…something. Makin’ me weird.” Ian replied but it was barely above a whisper and Mickey had to stop breathing so fuckin’ damn loud to even hear it.

         “Huh?” Mickey asked. Ian sighed because he knew there wasn’t any way he would be able to get the lie out again. It just wasn’t possible so he shuffled in the bed and moved the cotton blanket over his face, even though it smelled like shit, and fell back asleep.

         “Whatever, I’m leavin’. Suit your damn self,” Mickey announced as he rapidly got up from the bed, threw a pillow toward Ian and took a swig of left over beer. 

* * *

 

“You’re brothers a fuckin’ weirdo, Gallagher.”

         Mickey sauntered into the Albi, spotting Lip sitting over a beer in his father’s regular spot, and could only think of Ian. Lip glanced over at Mickey and looked back at his beer, taking a small sip, trying to think of something witty to say back.

         “What’d he do this time? Join the army under my name or somethin’?” Lip replied, smirking while lighting a new cigarette. Mickey scoffed and pulled a chair up next to Lip.

         Mickey and Lip weren’t exactly friends but they were friendly and their conversation usually revolved around Ian since he was an important person in both of their lives. For a few minutes, they sat in silence, flicking their cigarettes and taking swigs of their beers while listening to the bustling bar around them.

         “Is he okay?” Lip asked, only loud enough for Mickey to hear him. He didn’t look at him, but straight ahead. He was nervous for the answer.

         “I don’t fuckin’ know, he’s acting like he’s about to fuckin’ die.” Mickey spat, shaking his head a bit.

         “How long?” Lip asked.

         “Since yesterday. He made some bullshit up about taking something and now he’s feeling weird because of it.” Mickey replied.

         “I’ll go visit him.”

* * *

 

         Lip had always known his brother was gay. Or, at least, he had suspected it. When they were both in grade school they would play together during recess. Well, they would survive what was Southside Chicago’s public school system together. They always had each other’s backs.

         One time, when Ian was 7 and Lip was 8, Brutus Kelley, the “schoolyard bully” approached them and began calling Ian a fag. Lip knew what fag meant but Ian didn’t. He was more confused than hurt but Lip knew and Lip was angry. That was the first time Lip had ever gotten detention for hitting another student. Lip barely remembered beating Brutus Kelley’s ass but he remembered the walk home from school that day.

         “Lip,” Ian said. Lip looked over, raising his eyebrows while holding his backpack straps in both hands. “What’s a fag?”

         “When a dude likes another dude.” Lip answered, looking away from Ian. But, he could see Ian considering Lip’s answer from the corner of his eye. He was looking down at his shoes, with a grimace on his face. Lip could see this bothered him, even though he wasn’t sure if Ian felt that way about guys.

         Lip stopped walking and a few moments later Ian stopped too and turned around to face Lip. Ian raised his eyebrows in confusion.

         “What are you doing Lip? We gotta get home before Fiona realizes we didn’t take the bus again! You know she doesn’t like us walking home.” Ian hollered.

         “It’s okay to be gay, though. Brutus is a fuckin’ idiot.” Lip said with such simplicity it surprised Ian. Ian shrugged like it didn’t matter to him.

         “Okay, doesn’t matter to me. Brutus is a fuckin’ idiot anyway.”

         But now Lip didn’t know how to help his brother and it scared him. He couldn’t beat up any bully or tell him how society was wrong about him. He could only lay next to him on Mickey Milkovich’s dirty ass bed and hope he would speak. He didn’t, but Lip continued to lay beside him talking away. He didn’t pressure Ian to speak but simply spoke about any and everything. Ian didn’t seem to mind, or maybe he was just asleep.

         “Or how about the time Monica left us in the fuckin’ diner by ourselves because she didn’t have any money left – Fiona wanted to murder her” Lip rambled, laying on his back while looking straight towards the ceiling. “Surprised she didn’t. Probably just because we couldn’t find her for the next three months anyway. Fuck.” He lit a cigarette.

         Ian rolled over and grabbed the cigarette from Lip’s mouth. He expected him to take a drag but instead he just held it between his fingers for a few seconds before he got too tired and handed it back to Lip. He cradled himself back into the cotton blanket and didn’t say a word.

         “Thought you might be fuckin’ dead over there.” Lip commented.

         “Not yet.” Ian replied, but barely. It was so muddled and quiet Lip almost didn’t hear it.

         “When do you plan on getting out of this bed? Doesn’t smell too good. Not sure if it’s you or just the stench of Mickey.” Lip observed.

         “Fuck you.”

         “Wow, a whole four words in less than a minute, don’t I feel special.”

         “Just leave.”

         “Not until you tell me what’s up.”

         Ian didn’t answer this time so Lip asked again. Ian shuffled around and Lip could hear him whimper. It was dark in the room so he couldn’t see if he was crying or not.

         “It just hurts.” Ian mumbled.

         For the first time in his life, Lip didn’t have a witty comeback or a good piece of advice to give. So, he just sat there with his brother because he didn’t know what else to do.


	2. Super Fuckin' Nova

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Supernova (noun): A stellar explosion that briefly outshines an entire galaxy, radiating as much energy as the Sun or any ordinary star might emit over its lifespan.

            Ian found it painless. Anybody else would have found it pointless and extremely painful, but he didn’t. For a few moments, he was allowed to breathe. And when it faded – which it always did – he would do it again, and again to get that feeling back. He was never focused on the pain, it was merely a side effect that he had rarely considered. Usually, he focused on the act of doing it. Even just the physical act of cutting himself made things better. The motion of dragging a razor blade across his skin meant something to him. He wasn’t sure what exactly, but he could feel the meaning of it inside of him. It made him feel whole. Alive. Existing. And all the other dull moments surrounding the tiny fragments of time when he would cut, were useless and blurry to him. But, nonetheless, he couldn’t let anyone find out. After all, he still had his logic and he knew this wasn’t “right” per se. So, he kept it small and neat to where it could be hidden from Mickey and Lip and anyone else who may find an interest in “fixing” him.

            On the sixth day, Ian was able to get out of bed finally. In fact, he felt great and at 3 AM, he woke up and finally took a shower. It felt great to wash himself after six days and the water felt like electric waves running down his chest, illuminating every single cell in his fuckin’ body. Every drop of water rejuvenated him, making him whole again. Making him ready to face the world and his brother and his lover. Everything was great and he had no intention of making anyone think otherwise. He was no longer a black hole, sucking every living thing into this cliché endless abyss he had created. He was a star. He was a fuckin’ supernova. For today, he was a supernova.

* * *

 

            “So you’re all good now? No fuckin’… crazy shit anymore? I don’t gotta hide any knives or some shit?” Mickey asked, trying his hardest not to reveal his worry for Ian.

            Ian smirked. He found it sweet that Mickey worried but he thought Mickey was overreacting. It was never that bad. He was just tired. Everybody gets tired. And now, after he slept for a week, he was fine, everything was great and he found beauty in the way the sun rose in the morning and how Mickey’s lips pursed together when he was angry. He was Ian once again and he had ideas for his future.

            “I’m fuckin’ fine Mickey now stop acting like a damn cliché and...guess what?” Ian said, switching topics. Mickey eyed him and raised his eyebrows. “I have an idea,” Ian announced.

            “Okay, tell me your damn idea, firecrotch.” Mickey said, taking his eyes off Ian while placing a cigarette in his mouth.

            “Well… it’s more of a proposal… not an idea.. I guess… but what’s the difference between a proposal and an idea? I’m not sure if it’s an idea or a proposal honestly… Wait… I thought Yvegeny-” Ian rambled, speaking rapidly before Mickey cut him off.

            “What the fuck Ian?” Mickey questioned, throwing his hands in the air. Ian seemed confused by Mickey’s gestures but quickly disregarded the conversation, grabbed his jacket and headed for the door. Mickey followed him, questioning where he was going but Ian just repeated “I’m a fuckin’ Supernova, Mick!” until Mickey gave up and smoked his goddamn cigarette.

* * *

 

            Lip hadn’t seen Ian for a few days, so he was pleasantly surprised when Ian burst through the door, chanting that he was a supernova, only for today. It made Liam, Debbie and Carl giggle but Lip watched from the kitchen, curious. It was painfully familiar to Lip – how Ian was acting – but he wasn’t sure what he was going to do about it yet. He called Ian over.

            “Hey Lip!” Ian said, while shaking Lips hand. Lip raised his eyebrows in confusion as Ian continued.

            “I feel like I haven’t seen you in weeks. So, guess what? I have this amazing idea, it’s gonna be great,” Ian began making a sandwich while stumbling around the kitchen.

            Before Ian could say what his amazing idea was, he started eating. Halfway through, he tried speaking to lip but started laughing as he realized his mouth was full and motioned to Lip that it was indeed, full. Lip observed, while sipping on a beer. As soon as Ian was done eating, he began laughing hysterically, gasping out a few words here and there about how funny it was that he “had tried talking with his mouth full and hadn’t realized.” Lip nodded and smiled but he was secretly worried and upset.

            As Ian continued to laugh, Fiona walked in through the back door and stopped abruptly, also surprised to see Ian.

            “Ian! What the fuck are you doin’ here?” She questioned, a smile on her face. He stopped laughing and looked at Fiona intently, almost as if he were sad. He opened his arms and started walking towards her.

            “Fiona… I haven’t seen you in a while. I missed you.” Ian lamented while hugging her.

            Lip looked at Fiona, who was utterly confused, and nodded. She gave him a questioning look. Lip looked away because he wasn’t sure how to respond. Ian then let go of Fiona and, again, grabbed his coat and headed for the door.

            “Where you goin?!” Fiona exclaimed. “I have a plan, Fiona!” Ian chimed, suddenly out of his seemingly depressed moment.

            “I’m a fuckin supernova Fiona, a supernova!” As Ian walked out the door he kissed each of his younger siblings on the forehead and smiled wholeheartedly. He was happy, he guessed.

* * *

 

            He knew what he was going to do. He wondered if it was going to get him in any trouble – he figured it would – but he really didn’t care. He couldn’t get his mind off of it. He had finally realized why he had been so depressed. Somehow, he knew the government was coming to take all their food and water. He could see them everywhere, planning it out, as he was walking down the street. His mailman was actually a government official, taking notes while “dropping off mail” to every person in Southside Chicago. He saw the mailman’s keys which actually had a symbol on them. It just all seemed suspicious. And there were too many vans parked on every corner. He was almost absolutely sure they were spying on his neighborhood. Soon, they would be out of food and water.

            So, he decided to go and get a credit card out in his name and buy loads of food and water for his family and Mickey. Mickey wasn’t home when the 300 gallons of water he ordered was delivered – nor the 100 loafs of bread or 300 cans of soup – and he was glad because he knew Mickey would have something to say. He began to get it organized when Mickey walked in with his brothers. He sauntered in but came to a slow halt when he looked around at the stacks of water bottles and cans of soup scattered around the living room. He nearly stepped on a loaf of bread before Ian pushed him backwards, sending him flying into his sofa.

            “What the fuck, Ian.” Mickey whispered. He was astonished and he wasn’t sure what to say because it fuckin’ scared the living shit out of him.

            “I’ll explain after I get everything set up, Mick. I got the same for my house too so we’ll probably have to stop there to explain to Fiona, she’ll be confused. I was just gonna text it to her but I figured I should tell her in person about what’s happening or they’ll find out. I know they have my phone tapped so we have to speak low. I already locked my phone away…” Ian rambled, picking up loaves of bread and bringing them to the kitchen.

            Mickey’s brothers stood near the door, not sure what to do. They all stared at Ian as he fumbled around the living room, back and forth between piles, trying to organize, rambling about how the government was going to take away their water soon. For a few minutes, Mickey stayed on the couch, unable to move.

            “Ian… fuck, Ian….” Mickey pleaded but Ian continued to ramble over him. “Ian!” Mickey exclaimed, which caught Ian’s attention. Ian looked at Mickey curiously, tilting his head, confused as to why Mickey had shouted.

            “I thought you said you were okay.” Mickey muttered, staring intently at Ian.

            Ian began laughing, hysterically, as he stumbled over to Mickey and plopped himself onto the couch next to him. He took Mickey by the face and kissed him, way too long. For a moment, Mickey felt normal – like his goddamn boyfriend wasn’t going insane – and yearned for the kiss to last forever. But of course, it didn’t and Mickey pulled away after Ian became aggressively sexual. Ian smiled, not hurt about the small rejection, and sighed in happiness.

            “I’m great, Mickey. I’m great. Now, c’mon, help me, they’re gonna be here soon, we need to get this sorted so we can explain it to Fiona. And for fucksake, give me your goddamn cellphones, they’re gonna know our plan already!”

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comment what you think about it please! It will be appreciate. Also, leave a link of your story, if you have one, and I'll take a look!


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